Relationships

The investment model1 offers an elegant explanation for why we sometimes find it very difficult to leave a relationship, even when relationship satisfaction is persistently low. This model posits we are likely to remain in a relationship to the extent that we feel dependent on that relationship. This dependence, in turn, leads to greater commitment to remaining in the relationship over time. While we do tend to feel more dependent in satisfying relationships, even in an unsatisfying relationship dependence can be present when: ...

The text Intimate Relationships by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA’s Marriage and Close Relationships Lab distinguishes among different types of social relationships: Interdependent relationship: A relationship in which the behavior of each participant affects the other. Interdependence is the defining characteristic of any social relationship. Personal relationship: An interdependent relationship in which the partners consider each other special and unique, rather than as member of a generic category (e.g. classmate or neighbor). Close relationship: A personal relationship in which the partners have strong, sustained mutual influence over a broad range of interactions. Intimate relationship: A close relationship that includes some kind of sexual passion that could be expressed and shared. While these definitions are not universal, they do show the key dimensions of distinction for various kinds of relationships.

In quantum mechanics, wave–particle duality is the theory that every particle or quantum entity may be described as either a particle or a wave. It captures the indecency of concepts particle or wave to fully capture the nuances of how quantum-scale objects behave. As Einstein said: It seems as though we must use sometimes the one theory and sometimes the other, while at times we may use either. We are faced with a new kind of difficulty. We have two contradictory pictures of reality; separately neither of them fully explains the phenomena of light, but together they do. ...

Relational well-being is based on two pillars: foundational virtues and functional relational skills. Firstly, you want to select a partner based on foundational virtues. These include other-oriented empathy and self-awareness. While these aren’t set in stone, a weekend training workshop will not instill these virtues and abilities. You have to choose a partner who demonstrates them already in daily practice. Second, a life partner requires functional relational skills, or the salient behaviors and strategies of good partnership. For instance, great partners consistently and skillfully offer generous listening and practice non-violent communication, they turn towards bids, and they express fondness and admiration. These are teachable skills, and can be instilled and refined through relationship workshops, counseling, and/or self-education.

I’m often asked of all the relationship books I’ve read, which one I would recommend the most. As with any recommendation, a good answer takes into account the person that’s asking – their tastes, their learning style, and where they’re at in their relational journey. So while I can’t identify the one best book for everyone, below are some of my favorites. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver Attached by Amir Levin and Rachel Heller Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship by Nate and Kaley Klemp Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli J. Finkel The 80/80 marriage authors maintain an up-to-date list of resources here, which includes a high-level summary and a key takeaway from each book. ...

A common dynamic in relationships is that there’s one “more responsible” partner that’s first to notice things – whether it’s a stain on the carpet or that it’s time to renew the car registration. That partner is faced with two choices – they can deal with the issue themselves, or ask their partner to deal with it, stepping into the role of a domestic autocrat giving orders to their peons. Either way, resentment ensues on both sides. And predictably, when enough resentment builds, it can turn into bursts of rage or pervasive passive aggressiveness. ...

Consider these scenarios: Scenario 1: Your partner tells you that they you want to show you something in the garden, and you say that you’ll be there in five minutes. Five minutes later, you’re still finishing up that email… just a little while longer. 15 minutes later, you finally show up, with some excuses about the delay. Scenario 2: You’re supposed to walk the dog in the mornings, but the night before, your boss throws a work meeting on your calendar at the last minute. You ask your partner to cover for you – they acquiesce, but silently resent that it throws their entire morning routine off. ...

There’s a plethora of options available for people interested in seeing a mental health professional. But with so many choices of providers – each with different degrees, licenses, backgrounds, and approaches – you may feel overwhelmed when trying to figure out the best option for you. Let’s take a look at some of the most important things to consider when choosing a provider. First, it’s important to understand the types of mental health professionals out there. ...

Today, I would like to summarize the key points from a wonderful article I read in the NYT entitled “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage” by Amy Sutherland. The piece is about what Sutherland learned about training techniques by observing professional exotic animal trainers – and how she then applied those techniques to her husband. It is one of the most-emailed NYT articles ever, and eventually led to a book which was published in February 2008. ...

There are certain well-documented patterns that can play out between partners in a long-term relationships. The pursuer-distancer dynamic is a particularly toxic one – in a longitudinal study of 1,400 divorced individuals over 30 years, psychology professor E. Mavis Hetherington found that couples who adopted this pattern were at the highest risk for divorce. The pattern is a psychological dance, oftentimes unconscious, between two partners in a relationship — one partner (the pursuer) who pursues the other (the distancer) in an effort to form closeness. If unresolved, this pattern can escalate into a Bad Idea Dominos sequence of increasingly desperate attempts to re-connect. I believe understanding the pursuer-distancer dynamic is not just helpful to understanding human relationships, but also that it can serve as a kind of early-detection system of relational distress. ...