research

What predicts how satisfied you will be with your relationship partner? This was the question tackled by Joel et al in a 2020 meta analysis of 43 longitudinal couples studies over an average of 14 months. Spoiler alert – it turns out that none of the (self-reported) indicators tracked in these studies were predictive of whether relationship quality would increase of decrease over that time period. However, the study did provide some insight into indicators that were correlated with current relational satisfaction....

Validation refers to the process of communicating to another person that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are important and they matter. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing or approving. In fact, it conveys that a relationship is important and solid – even when two parties disagree. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) identifies six methods of validation that a practitioner can employ with a client, ranging from validation level (VL) 1 through 6, increasing sequentially in difficulty....

While there are many couples therapy approaches in use, only a few have been subjected to repeated empirical testing. Two particularly promising treatments are Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT) and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). BCT originates from operant learning theory and the observation that distressed couples tend to punish each other for relationship-harming behaviors more than they reward each other for relationship-enhancing behaviors. The two main components of BCT are behavioral exchange training and communication and problem-solving skills....

In a 2013 paper, Stanford researchers Dan McFarland and Dan Jurafsky analyzed the conversations of nearly 1000 heterosexual couples during speed dating encounters to find out why some people felt a sense of connection after the meeting and others didn’t. The participants in the study were graduate students at Stanford, and wore audio recording devices during their dates. The dates lasted four minutes each, and after they were done, the participants filled out a scorecard that asked them to rate how connected they felt to each partner (“clicking”, on a scale of 0-10) and whether they would like to go on a real date with that person (“willingness”, on a yes/no basis)....

Many of us are familiar with the political horse trading that’s part and parcel of the modern romantic relationship. We do Thankgiving with your parents, and Christmas with mine. I take the dog to the groomers, you mow the lawn this week. This kind of trading is an example of an exchange norm in a relationship. In academic papers, an exchange norm is typically contrasted with a communal norm. The exchange norm, while sometimes very convenient, may not be optimal....

On her wedding day, Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that she was given this sage piece of advice by her mother-in-law: “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” (And I would add, a little forgetful!) But no matter how deaf – or forgetful – we may be, transgressions big and small are part of any meaningful long-term relationship. And consequently, the ability to apologize for these transgressions is a vitally important skill for relational wellness....

If you’ve ever taken an economics course, you’d recall that basic economics is founded on the assumption that an individual is a fundamentally rational creature. This infallible being, homo economicus, when in possession of complete and accurate information, always chooses the option that maximizes their well-being. Of course, we all know that this is a flagrantly inaccurate assumption – people constantly act against their objective rational self-interest. In the 1970s, Israeli psychologists Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman studied and catalogued some of these irrationalties....

The investment model1 offers an elegant explanation for why we sometimes find it very difficult to leave a relationship, even when relationship satisfaction is persistently low. This model posits we are likely to remain in a relationship to the extent that we feel dependent on that relationship. This dependence, in turn, leads to greater commitment to remaining in the relationship over time. While we do tend to feel more dependent in satisfying relationships, even in an unsatisfying relationship dependence can be present when:...